No. 7 is too real.
1. Way Too Sleepy Sex. Like, you’re so tired, but you’re also kinda turned on, and you know you won’t have time to do it in the next couple of days, so let’s see that ding dong, dude.
2. Scheduled Sex. It’s a thing and it’s nothing to be ashamed of, I swear! Better to have scheduled sex than to have no sex at all and have your vagina cobweb over from loneliness. I think that’s in the Constitution.
3. “Let’s Make a Baby” Sex. If you’re planning to have a child, you will probably have some of this type of sex. It’s actually pretty dope because it’s the exact opposite of all the sex you had as a singleton, and so there’s something almost taboo about it.
4. The-Leftovers-Will-Be-on HBO-Go-in-10 Minutes-But-We-Haven’t-Had-Sex-in-a-Week-and-I’m-Gonna-Be-Too-Tired-Afterwards. Self-explanatory, and if this isn’t you and you’re married, you’re a god-dammed liar and/or tell me your secrets.
5. The Occasional “OK, We Can’t Die Without Doing This Unusual Type of Sex” Sex. Like, when it hits you that this is the only penis or vagina or whatever you’re gonna be dealing with for the rest of your life, you decide to REALLY spice it up every once in a while. Those singles can write about their threesomes and pegging all day long, but they don’t know from bucket list sexual situations.
6. “We Have Hella Chores to Do But I Just Want to Bone” Sex. This is the best — spontaneous sex is less frequent when you’re official ball and chain status, but when you’re both neck deep in dirty dishes and you decide to do it on the kitchen counter instead of scrubbing another pot — well, as Nicole Richie, married woman, would say: That’s hot.
7. “I Put on Lingerie So You Better Tell Me I’m Hot and Then Ravage Me” Sex. This is basically the old “you need to prove to me I am the sexiest thing you’ve ever seen even if my tits are saggy and I have cellulite on my ankle.” This is the MOST important type of married sex, so I hope you’re listening.
8. The Mutually Orgasmic Sex. Sorry, singles, us married have the LOCK on that mutual orgasms. I, like, can’t remember a time I didn’t orgasm during sex, and I’m not bragging, but I am very much bragging. Sorry I will never get to have sex with another man again, so please give me this! (I should note: This is definitely not the case with all married couples, but it’s far less likely that the nerd from your Twitter DMs will make you howl at the moon.)
9. “I Love You So Fucking Much How Am I Married To Such an Amazing Person” Sex!? Sometimes you just look at the person you’re married to and your heart and loins want to explode at the same time and so you express that to them with sex.